They say be careful what you wish for. I say, be careful what you pray for.

I am learning every single day the enormity of the love that God has for me. But when I tell you it is through struggle and fear and gut wrenching inner turmoil that His love presents itself, you probably wouldn’t believe me – or maybe you just wouldn’t understand.

Every time I raise my hands in their perfect togetherness and reach to my Lord through my words and my tears, there is one thing that I always pray for –

“to be near You, to know You, to reach You in this lifetime before I return to You”.

This is a prayer so powerful that each and every day I am alive, He answers it again and again and again. As I wade through treacherous territories; as I walk with the weight of a billion boulders on my back; as I fight every single demon that suddenly appears from places I thought they couldn’t exist – He answers me. He calls to me everyday, guides me every single day, and whispers to me EVERY SINGLE DAY, “If you want to know Me, then this is how you know Me.”

I struggle and strive to be the best human being that I can be as God chose this human experience for me, but to be the best human being that I can be and to be as close to God as I can be is the most painful, most difficult journey that I have ever, ever experienced. That journey within yourself – where suddenly you have new eyes allowing you to observe every single flaw of your being – is tumultuous. It’s a battle – a gruesome, bloody battle, where the only one fighting is you and the only one being fought against is… you.

Without darkness there can be no light; without pain, there can be no pleasure; without rain there can be no rainbows. In the same way, I truly believe that without struggle, adversity or conflict, you could not be the best you that you can be.

God chose a life for me that was totally different to the idea of life that I had for me. But He led me this way out of love for me and I know and believe that fully. He picked me up and threw me headfirst into the experiences that He knew would be the most difficult for me, yet the ones that would build me stronger than what I ever could have been without them. That is beautiful.

Life is blessed and it is so fascinating – but at the same time, every day is a struggle in different ways that I cannot even explain. I am sure it is the same for many, many people all around the world. But I count myself blessed because I understand why.

The path to eternal Light is not easy – it is strewn with thorns, glass, and barbed wire. You will cut yourself, fall, split yourself open time after time after time. But you will pick yourself up, you will heal and you will continue walking, stronger and more focused than you were before.

I am a broken, bloodied mess of a soul yet, at the same time, I am a strong, healing, happy soul yearning for my Lord. I guess this is the yinyang of my prayer.

How blessed am I that He hears me and He answers me… how blessed am I.