My Struggle of Being a Mother & a Creative
I’m not one to shy away from the fact that becoming a mother is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do – and I think the challenges of motherhood are magnified even more so for me because of how creative I am as a person. I love to create – I always have and I’m sure I always will. From artwork through to writing, from choreographing dance routines through to creating videos; I absolutely love seeing a vision in my mind come to life before my very eyes and maybe even more so, I love the process of making it up as I go along, allowing the energies around me to dictate me, going with the flow and watching magic materialise.
Writing is one of my major, major passions and I know that this is one of the main things I am meant to do with my life. However, since having my son in December 2013 I found that all of a sudden there wasn’t a moment for me to sit, take my head out of the mum-zone and into that place where writing would just come to me.
For me, being in solitude is when the creative magic happens but in the last 4-and-a-bit years, I’ve never really been able to have it. There were some rare times when I was living in London with my in-laws when I would escape back home to Manchester for henna bookings for a few days, leaving my son behind with his dad, but in those times away I would be so busy with henna clients and art orders that there really wouldn’t ever be time for writing. And then moving to Mauritius in 2016 and having my daughter in December of that year, well, ever since that happened I have actually not ever had time alone – and I find it really bloody difficult.
I know some of you reading may be thinking “what the hell you on about woman! You’re always creating!” and yes although it is true that I am always creating art or writing for my blog and newspaper feature, there is more to it that I can’t fully explain but I’ll try to.
You see, many of you who follow me and know my work always see the end result – you don’t really ever see the behind-the-scenes. You don’t see the starting and stopping, starting and stopping, and starting and stopping again. You don’t see the finally-sitting-at-my-desk-to-start-writing/drawing-only-to-have-to-keep-running-back-and-forth-to-the-bedroom-because-the-baby-keeps-crying nights. You don’t feel the guilt I feel when the only way I can get something done is by plonking the kids in front of the TV for a couple of hours. And although I am grateful for, despite all of this, still being able to create – it’s not from a place where I am fully comfortable, if you know what I mean. I’m not able to fully work on my style or find myself fully, artistically. It’s not a smooth or easy uninterrupted ride – it’s more like going on a road trip with a car full of people, being crammed in the middle and the car breaking down every couple of miles into the journey. It’s worlds away from how I used to create before marriage and kids came along; whether I was out in nature with a notepad and pen, or alone in my bedroom with candles lit, soul-quenching music switched on in the background and a cup of tea beside me. What’s ironic about those times however, is that back then, I didn’t even realise these are the things I wanted to do with my life.
A major dream of mine is to develop my YouTube channel and create meaningful, beautiful content. And I know there are books lying dormant inside of me, just waiting to be released into this physical world along with some other great ideas that I can’t wait to make reality. But right now, where my life is at the moment and being around my children 24/7, neither is impossible but they are difficult tasks as I never have the time or space alone to delve inside myself and listen carefully to the creative part of my soul. I guess having just watched this YouTube interview between Marie Forleo and the New York Times best-selling author Cheryl Strayed, has reminded me just how much I desperately crave some sacred time alone.
Other women always ask me how I manage to do it all and I don’t ever know how to answer – I guess I just love what I do and I’m determined not to lose myself and who I am in the journey of being a mother to my two amazing children. I’m very grateful for all I am able to do and everything that I do create, but I guess I just feel like there is so much more that I have to give and right now I just don’t know how to get there. I really hope this is making sense and if not, well at least I let it all out – and what better place than my little corner of the internet? 🙂
I know the answers for me lie in the word ‘patience’. There will come a time when the kids are both a little older when I will be able to escape from the madness of motherhood for short spurts of time and go out in nature alone, be with myself and delve deeply into my creativity. I must enjoy this journey, every part of it, and understand that it is making me stronger, and even more determined to succeed. But right now, what I and everyone else who knows the struggle of being a mother and a creative, must do is just chill out, breathe and keep going – and know that ‘this too shall pass’, as everything does.