Just a few days ago I was feeling crap. Like really, totally, utterly crap – a way I hadn’t felt in quite a long time. Times like this are quite rare for me now, especially since my life took a whole new turn and I found God and the path I had yearned for, maybe even unknowingly, my entire life. Since coming to some kind of awakening, somehow whatever was thrown at me, I began always trying my best to see the good in it and that would get me through it, regardless of how painful the situation was for me.
But the way I was feeling just quite recently is honestly reminiscent of really dark times in my life where depression hung around like a really bleak winter that just didn’t seem to end. And the funny thing is, I can’t even totally explain why.
I think the fact that I just had a baby around a month ago with my body and hormones still quite obviously playing havoc, coupled with other things like missing England (we moved to Mauritius 4 months ago!), missing family and friends, being a little sleep deprived and not being able to cope with the ever-rising heat here, all added to me feeling the way I was. I mean, I was beginning to doubt everything, absolutely everything; my life, our home, my plans and goals, my abilities and mainly, just myself. I felt like there was no point to anything and there was no point to me. I know that’s really quite deep, and it’s horrible now to even think I was feeling like that such a short while ago but the reason I write this blogpost, is because this time round, despite having these feelings and such strong ones at that, it was different.
I was fully conscious and aware of how I was feeling, watching these thoughts come and go as they pleased. I didn’t try to fight them; I just allowed them to be. It was horrendous, don’t get me wrong – I was still feeling the darkness and the pain, but instead of allowing it to completely swallow me up, I stayed in control of it, allowing it to do its thing and then leave as quickly as it had come; maintaining the ideology that my thoughts were not me, just as today, a day where I am feeling like my bright and happy self again, that my thoughts are not me, they are completely separate entities that are guests in our minds.
Knowing and understanding this, and allowing myself to feel how I was feeling, allowed those feelings to pass quite quickly (although they did hang around like a bad smell quite forcibly for a good few days). Along with this, I knew I needed to try and replace the negative thoughts with positive ones and to do that I needed to be grateful; to look around myself and count my blessings. Anyone that has been depressed and been told to count their blessings – I’m sure you’ll agree that it really just isn’t that easy. And it wasn’t. It was weird – it was like I knew how blessed I was and how fortunate I was to have everything that I do, but I just couldn’t break away from those thoughts and how I was feeling. Such a contradiction, I know.
Anyway, I don’t have a miracle cure or anything like that. I can honestly say that I went to sleep having said a prayer and having done some short silent meditation, allowed myself to stay in bed and sleep longer than normal (despite still being awoken every couple of hours due to breastfed baby demands!) and I woke up feeling refreshed, happier and much more positive, like the whole entire world was my oyster again.
I don’t think there is any such thing as a miracle cure but what I can say is giving yourself permission to feel however you’re feeling, watching your thoughts and understanding they are just thoughts, accepting each and every moment fully and knowingly believing that however you’re feeling will pass, will set you on the road to the regular, happy you again. No matter how much of a happy and positive person you are, we all have our off days, every single one of us. And that’s okay.