…aaaand, exhale.

It’s been one of those days – or one of those weeks, really – where I am absolutely exhausted from running around after my 2 and a half-year-old. I just don’t understand where he gets the energy from; to run around causing havoc and on the opposite end of the spectrum, to be so incredibly moody and irritable, that I literally want to pull my rapidly greying hair out.

And here I am, halfway through my pregnancy with our second child – which, again, was another complete surprise and totally unplanned (please withhold the “have you not heard of contraception???” jokes – seriously) – and I’m sat here wondering just how we’re going to do it.

I was one of those girls in high-school who always said I didn’t want to get married until I was at least 30, I wanted to build a successful career and only then did I want to have kids, but life really does not go the way you plan it. I trust in God completely and I trust in His plan for me (His plan being the complete opposite of how I ever imagined my life to pan out) but right now, I am just like “WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO?!?”.

I’m certainly feeling the emotions in this pregnancy – along with the tiredness, breathlessness, pelvic girdle pain, nausea, sleeplessness and all those other major joys – but what I have noticed this time around is that I am feeling everything so much earlier on in the pregnancy. I’m already the size of a baby whale and just cannot imagine how big I will be at the end of this pregnancy – like, I literally think my husband may just have to roll me everywhere. On top of everything, our first born, or ‘the boy’ as we like to lovingly refer to him, still has major issues with sleeping, so when I tell you my husband and I are exhausted – we are literally EXHAUSTED.

During my first pregnancy, I regularly took the time to pray and meditate on the new life growing inside me; the tiny little miracle being taken care of by God and materialising inside my womb. However, this time around, I do not get the chance at all and it really bothers me. I want to enjoy this precious time, I really, really do – but in all honesty, as grateful as I am for being granted the chance of harbouring life inside me for a second time, I am really not enjoying it much at all.

Please do not get me wrong; when I say I am grateful, I really am. I have seen and known women who just want a child, more than anything else in the world and I understand it must be so heartbreakingly difficult to want one of the most natural and common things in the world, and for it not to come to you. I always knew I wanted kids one day, but I really did not expect one day to come so soon in my life – and for pregnancy and motherhood to hit me the way it did, it kind of turned my whole life upside down.

I love my little boy and the new little life inside me more than words could ever describe, but when I say becoming and being a parent has been the most difficult, gut-wrenching battle I have ever faced, I do not lie. I really do miss those days of freedom; of just being able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I miss little things like being able to take my time on the toilet (we all do it, okay!) or in the shower, being able to read a book in peace and taking the time to pray, meditate or even create some art or writing, without worrying that I need to hurry up or I should be doing something else. I just feel this tonne of pressure on me all of the time, and although I am the kind of person that accepts and adapts to situations easily and takes everything in her stride, I swear sometimes I just want to fly to the top of a huge mountain and scream my lungs out. And I know when the second noonoo comes along God willing, things are just going to be doubly as difficult – which is what scares me.

But, enough complaining now – plus, my little boy tends to sleep for very short bursts of time and he’s probably due to wake up any second now, so I better get a move on with this post.

I am happy and grateful and very excited at the prospect of being a mother again, and although sometimes I do wonder how we’re, or how I’m, going to cope, I know that God is on my side and as always, He will pull me through. I guess I’m just having one of those overly emotional days and my way of venting is through writing, so here we go.

So here’s to every single parent in this world, who has given up a part of himself or herself to devote themselves to the beautiful responsibility that God has bestowed upon them. I know it is so, so, SO difficult at times – that sometimes you may just want to give up and walk out of that door – but the fact of the matter is, you’re still here and still trying your best, despite the battle you are fighting inside yourself. So here is to you, to me, to every parent and parent-to-be: keep on smiling and keep on swimming – because we’re most probably going to look back and miss all of this one day.

And right on cue, the boy begins to stir. It’s going to be a loooong night.