They don’t write songs about this kind of stuff – I don’t think they really write much about this kind of stuff, to be honest. But it happens; and the pain that is left behind is so open, so exposing, so raw and so real that you’d think people would speak about it more… but they don’t. Because it’s not only lovers that break your heart… best friends can break your heart, too. And today I share my story with you.

Loss in the Library

It was the 29^th May 2011 and I was pulling an all-nighter at my university library for my upcoming 2^nd year LLB Law exams. I remember that night so clearly; exchanging BBM messages (that’s Blackberry Messenger to those of the iPhone generation, that just don’t know!) with my best friends throughout the night who were keeping an eye on me, and laughing because poor signal meant that our messages were making no sense; I remember a group of Chinese students sitting nearby and literally having a party in the library, laughing and talking way too loudly for that time of night; and then I remember getting a phone-call from a family member at home, which startled me – why was someone from home ringing me at 5am, when they knew I was spending the night revising in the library? I took my phone to the corridor outside the toilets, and crumbled to my knees when said family member revealed the news that my dear, dear uncle had just passed on from this world, after a long and arduous battle with cancer.

I felt my heart splintering as I gathered my belongings, shut down my computer and somehow stumbled down the steps and out of the library, seeing a blurred world through my teary haze. What I didn’t know at that point was that my heart was to be broken even more in the days following my uncles death, by a girl who to me, was not just a best friend, but a sister – someone who I had literally shared my home, heart, family and everything in between with for the 5 years prior to this day.

My Best Friend

Before I get into things, I just want to express that this post is in no way intended to be about my old best friend or to judge her as a person, ‘cause I’m really not about that life. But what it is, is for me to reflect on the person I was back then and the lessons that I took from the whole situation.

My best friend at the time was someone who I had met in college during a free period, and we more than quickly became best friends. We were at college together, worked together, chilled together – and when it came to University, I even gave up my place at my number one choice of uni so we could both move away and go to university together in the same city. Stupid decision, now I look back, but I was a young, naïve and scared University student-to-be.

Anyway, as sour as things turned out in the end, we shared so many lovely, amazing and crazy times; from practically living together for almost 2 years, to sharing a bed and taking trips away; there were many, many, many late nights, some early mornings and many an exciting day out (when we really should have been at uni…); we laughed together, we literally sobbed our hearts out together, we danced together, sang together and planned a future where we would be living on the same street as each other, with our respective husbands and babies, together. So for all of that and more, I am so, so thankful – but I guess now, I am even more thankful for who I have become as a person since that friendship ended – a friendship that ended in the most unexpected of ways.

The Signs

Our friendship ending was always inevitable, I think. Reflecting back, there were always signs that this friendship was not good for me. What is clear to me now is that I was filling a void in this person’s life along with many other people – as she and others were filling a void in mine. Throughout our years of friendship, I was left hanging on many an occasion when a better offer came along. I was also made to feel like I was a bit weird for wanting to spend time alone (I’m like 75% introvert, so time alone is so, SO important to me). I’ve always been quite a peace-loving person, always trying to avoid conflict as much as possible – and again, I was made to feel like because I wasn’t the type to put my fists up and get into a fight, I was a wuss. My point is that on many occasions I simply wasn’t comfortable – but because we were so attached to each other, I didn’t recognise all these signs and just thought it was a normal part of friendship and shrugged and laughed things off way too often. Oh how wrong I was.

“So what actually happened?” I hear you ask. And although I don’t want to get too much into the little details, I feel like I do need to address how our friendship ended in order for this whole thing to make sense.

Read all about that, the aftermath and all the lessons that were learned through this painful time of my life in the second part to this story, here. 

Until next time…

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